Looking Back
by markaleen
Summary: Set one week after the book. After waking from a nightmare, 'I' reflects back on her stay at Manderley, acknowledging her growth and readiness for the future in the process. One-shot.


**This is my first story for Rebecca. I wrote in the style of the book as best I could. This is mostly a practice story as I wanted to see what it was like to write in this style and for these characters. Somewhere down the line I'm planning to post a couple others :) hope you enjoy!**

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"Maxim… Maxim… No! Maxim!"

My eyes flew open as Maxim stood over my bed, shaking me awake. "What's the matter?" he asked. "You've been yelling and crying in your sleep."

I sat up. My face was wet with tears which I quickly dried, but I was no longer crying. I looked over to him, feeling embarrassed. "I'm sorry," I said. "I suppose I had a bad dream."

"I can't imagine what about." With a roll of his eyes, he stood and walked back to his own bed.

I remained sitting and leaned up against the headboard. It had been a week since Manderley was set to flames. Maxim and I were staying at a small hotel in London. We didn't plan to stay for long, only until he finished all the business with the house and press. After that, we were off to Italy or somewhere around there. Neither of us could wait to get away, but especially not Maxim. He'd wanted solitude from the beginning of our marriage. While he wanted to show me Manderley, at the same time, I think he was right the day he said it was a mistake to come home.

A few moments passed before I took back the thought. No, we did need to go to Manderley. It was Manderley that eventually brought out the truth. Had we not gone, I would still be battling Maxim's mysterious and dark moods. It would have been up to me to force the truth. Until Rebecca's boat and body were discovered, I lacked all courage. Hearing his love for me gave me the strength I needed to face anything life threw my way. Mrs. Danvers was no longer as a threat to me. I was in charge and I had been all along. Had I only spoke up and demanded the respect I deserved, I could have made Manderley my own. At least, I could have tried. The truth was that Manderley was haunted by Rebecca, but not by her spirit as Mrs. Danvers so believed. It was haunted by her memory. Clarice and I were the only two in the household with no memories. We were young and oblivious to that woman's ways. I don't know how many knew the real Rebecca, or rather suspected. She seemed to have most everyone fooled. Frank knew. I don't know when or how, but he knew. I assumed he caught on after he had pursued her, or was it the other way around? Though Maxim mentioned it, it'd become an insignificant blur.

Rebecca's memory vanished with the flames. Her possessions were now ash, and her efforts at Manderley were either destroyed or abandoned. Out of all the questions Maxim was asked, the most popular one was along the lines of rebuilding. "There is no point," he always answered, and usually ended the interview there. While I mourned the loss of my earlier visions of growing old at Manderley with Maxim and our many children, I agreed. Manderley would never be ours even with new walls. Somehow, somewhere, there would be a constant reminder.

I imagined Mrs. Van Hopper sitting in her home in New York. She had a cigarette in one hand and the paper in the other. "I knew the marriage was trouble right from the start," she would say to the poor thing she found to be her new companion. "She's ruined him. He must have gone mad after discovering Rebecca's suicide. They say they don't know how the fire was started, but I bet you anything he went and did it herself."

She would be wrong, of course. We knew well what happened, as did everyone on the property that night. Mrs. Danvers. All along she'd been the mad one. The truth of Rebecca's death gave her the push she needed to do what she'd wanted to do since she heard of my marriage to Maxim. It was clear she didn't want me at Manderley. To think I believed her. To think I almost gave into her when she pushed me toward the open window. A good handful of the servants said they saw her leave the house that afternoon, but only Robert saw her come in again. Had he known what she planned to do, he would have told someone. We didn't hold it against him. Even if she'd been caught she would have found another attempt to try and bring harm to me and Maxim. In a way, I'm glad she got her revenge right away. It was over. She wouldn't come back. Whether she's dead or alive remains the biggest mystery.

Even before Frith told us they suspected Mrs. Danvers we knew. Maxim knew before we were out of London and before we saw the house ablaze. Something inside him nagged to keep driving. I wondered if I had the same premonition as well. I woke in the car in a similar way as I had a few minutes ago. The only difference was that I remembered my dream this time. In the car, I couldn't make sense of it. Perhaps because we were nearing the end of our London stay and matters were slowly beginning to settle. I hadn't much time to think back since standing before the flames. Tonight was the first night in a week we'd spent any quiet time together. Not since being locked in our room the night before going to see Dr. Baker. Most would consider a quiet night boring. We ate dinner downstairs, took a walk, came back to our room for a drink, talked – lots of idle and mundane things people tend to see as humdrum. It was amusing in a way to think most women my age fear this sort of contentment. I, on the other hand, can see nothing pleasurable in all night parties and whatever else people in their 20s should like to do. Maxim never believed me when I said as much. Perhaps it was the same way I didn't believe him when he insisted he didn't see me out of pity in Monte Carlo. Now, I think, he might change his mind about me enjoying a sedentary life.

"I'm sorry to have woken you," I said after sometime.

Maxim had since gotten up again to make some tea, offering me a cup as well. He brought it to me, saying, "I wasn't asleep."

"What were you doing?" I asked.

"Thinking."

It was funny how he still had a tendency to get a sudden and distant look in his eye, but now I was allowed to find him if I wished. I took a sip of my tea before setting it on the nightstand. "About Manderley?"

He nodded. "I'm sure the same thing you dreamt."

"I didn't dream of the fire."

"You didn't?"

"Well, I did in a way, but it wasn't the same scene we saw. I don't know if I should talk about it."

"It's your choice."

I picked up my tea again, taking a few more sips and looking down at his knee. He sat on the edge of my bed with his own cup, soon staring into space again. I wanted to keep anything unnecessary from him, but at the same time I didn't want to keep it to myself. The days of hiding were over. "It wasn't the house I saw. It was Happy Valley, just the way you described it to me when we first met."

"That was your nightmare?"

"Let me finish… We were sitting there. Jasper was with us and we were laughing at him as he chased a squirrel or some other creature. All of a sudden, a dark shadow came up from behind us. It was no figure in particular, but before long the field was on fire. I don't know why I'd dream of it there as the flames from the house didn't reach it. The dog ran off down to the cove, and you and I stood there as the fire came closer to us. I eventually snapped out of my daze and started running after Jasper. When I looked back to see if you were behind me, I saw you still frozen in place and beginning to be covered by a cloud of smoke. I rushed back to your side and began pulling your arm, trying to get you to follow. You pulled back, turning your head to be. You said nothing, only staring at me a moment before turning your gaze back to the flames which was nearly at our feet. I took a step back, still reaching for your hand, but you didn't grab hold of me. I started yelling for you to move back, but you let the fire come over from you."

I looked back to Maxim in time to see his eye twitch. He took my teacup out of my hand and set it down beside his on the table. He moved to sit next to me, leaning back as I had and stretching his legs on the bed. As he wrapped his arms around me, he kissed the top of my head. "What a terrible thing I've done putting you through all of this. You're too young to know such terror."

"Maxim, please don't begin speaking to me this way again. I've told you, I've grown up."

"Yes, you have. That doesn't mean you aren't still young."

"All I care is that we're together. I don't care how young I look, or if I know things I shouldn't have to. I love you, Maxim. And I know now that you love me. I couldn't be happier. It was only a dream, it will be forgotten soon enough. I shouldn't have told you."

"I do love you, and it pains me to know you went so long thinking otherwise."

"Let's not discuss it anymore. That part of our lives is finished. Soon we'll go off and find a place we'll stay, just like you said."

He gave a small smile. "Right you are."

"We'll be happy wherever we are, won't we?"

Unlike the last time I asked this question, Maxim nodded, the smile on his face growing wider and certain. "Yes," he said. "Yes, we will."

 **The End.**


End file.
